Everything is Ok

When I was going through cancer treatment I practiced a daily ritual of resting my weary head in my then husband’s lap and asking him, “Is everything going to be okay?”  He would rub my bald head and reassure me.  The words he spoke were hollow in that he had no control or authority over the unknown.  And yet, I needed to be consoled. My fear would somehow be kept at bay, as I faced the unfolding future.

I suffer from anxiety even when my world is seemingly running smoothly.  I have survived tough situations, but not without scars. The teenager bagging my groceries, the neighborhood mail carrier, the pizza delivery boy, and of course my friends and family members have all experienced my neediness.  A scripted list of questions run through my mind that demand to be spoken.  The fact valid answers do not exist matters little to my adrenaline-fueled body.  When the going got tough in the past…some individuals literally got going.  Abandonment has made me wary of depending too much on others…so why do I incessantly seek their comfort?

When I ask someone, Is everything going to be okay?”…what I am really seeking is your commitment to stand with me.  My head understands that you are not omnipotent, but my heart is certain that together we are stronger.  Isolation leads to destruction.  Connection edifies the foundation upon which we build our lives.  In the darkness, you will discover the individuals that plant their feet in imaginary concrete and refuse to walk away. 

 I close my eyes and picture every single one of my fellow warriors standing beside me…arms linked…creating an unbreakable  human chain.  I look to my right and left and see features set with powerful intent.  Nothing can change the precarious uncertainty that greets us every morning.  And yet, I have found the people that are willing to go to battle.  That is what makes everything okay.